APSGO Parenting Blog
By Sue Kranz When a teen goes to jail, it’s possible to feel grief and guilt and relief all at the same time. I’ve been through this, and this is how it was for me. A friend is going through this now, and given her son’s age and the violence of the crime (he’s 16), she refused to pick him up at the police station when he was arrested and refused to post bail, despite the best efforts of the police and social workers to guilt her into it. Acting as a surety is tricky business. You are promising the […]
by Sue Kranz In March of 2003, I discovered a parent group that saved my sanity. The group was based on Choice Theory by William Glasser, and what I learned there changed not only how I parented, but positively impacted all my other relationships. I joined the group with the hope of learning how to change my kids. Instead, I learned how to change myself – and that changed everything! The first thing I learned was that the only behaviour I could control was my own. This flew in the face of the common-sense mantra, “You have to get them […]
Dear Sue, It is a rule that there are no drugs or drug paraphernalia in the house (aka marijuana, grinder, and bongs). My son seems to think the rules don’t apply to him, and so I have repeatedly confiscated and destroyed what I find. He is also engaged in risky behaviour like driving after smoking pot. I don’t want to kick him out because I can keep a closer eye on him in my house, but I cannot sit by and watch him destroy his life with drugs, and I can’t tolerate the crap laying around. Frustrated Dear Frustrated: I […]
Reposted from healthresearchfunding.org William Glasser introduced the Choice Theory of Behavior Management in 1996. It is based on one core idea: that the most important need that people have is love and belonging. In order for anyone to be able to satisfy any of their needs, they must have a certain closeness or a feeling of connectedness with the family, friends, and acquaintances they care about. This causes the Choice Theory of Behavior Management to put forth 3 statements. The only thing that humans do is behave. Almost all of the behaviors that we have are chosen behaviors. Because of […]
(Notes from the Youth Group on Connecting/Disconnecting) We talk about connecting and disconnecting behaviour in terms of relationships – with ourselves or with others. Fair enough. But what if you don’t like the other person? What if you don’t want anything to do with them? Then what? In the workshops, we’ve been working with the idea that, when we get frustrated, we try to satisfy our need for power by trying to control everybody around us. When we’re unsuccessful (and we usually are), that leads to more frustration, which leads to escalating our attempts to control others, which leads to […]
As a parent, are you invested or involved in your child’s or teen’s life? They may seem similar, but they aren’t. Invested parents are focused on the child’s goals: outcomes and achievement. The parent has an agenda that is more concerned with the destination than with the journey. Involved parents are focused on the child’s role: identity and character. The parent has no agenda and is more interested in the journey than the destination. Invested parents concentrate on the flowers, nurturing for results – goal oriented. Involved parents concentrate on the roots, nurturing for character and a sense of self […]
The things our children need to be happy and to become well-adjusted, responsible citizens aren’t necessarily the things we think they need – or what they tell us they need. So what do they need most? Safety and security: You may be thinking a roof over their head, food on the table, a warm bed to sleep in, and clean clothes to wear. Those are important when they’re young, but become increasingly less important as they grow. What I’m talking about is feeling safe and secure with us. I’m talking about being the kind of people that our children can […]
Helen’s Help – By Helen Jones When my daughters were teens, I had a choice to make. I could remind them of what needed done around the house and I could complain if the work wasn’t done the way I wanted. Or I could come up with a plan that was respectful of everyone and got the work done. I decided on the latter. I made a list of things I would like done around the house and how much I was willing to pay for each one done to my satisfaction. I left it in a prominent place. (The […]
By Helen Jones Editor’s Note: Many of these coaching strategies from Choice Theory and Helen Jones are just helpful in conversations with our children and other loved ones to help them find solutions and strategies for their own challenges. Knowing how to ask the questions is as important as knowing what to ask. While maintaining a safe environment, use the Process to: ASK OPEN ENDED QUESTIONS. Avoid questions which require only a yes or no response. ASK EACH QUESTION ONCE ONLY. Often coaches ask the same question in several different ways. This diminishes the question. These are powerful questions. Allow […]
By Sue Kranz I’ve never yet met a parent who welcomed frustration. In fact, most of us would rather do whatever it takes to prevent our kids from experiencing frustration. And so we minimize how they feel: “It’s not that bad!” We threaten: “I’ll give you something to cry about!” We distract: “Let’s go for ice cream!” What we haven’t been taught is the importance of frustration in our children’s development: Frustration helps our kids develop resilience and adaptability. In his book Hold Onto Your Kids, Gordon Neufeld explains the value of frustration and provides a better, more useful way […]