APSGO Parenting Blog
By Sue Kranz When a teen goes to jail, it’s possible to feel grief and guilt and relief all at the same time. I’ve been through this, and this is how it was for me. A friend is going through this now, and given her son’s age and the violence of the crime (he’s 16), she refused to pick him up at the police station when he was arrested and refused to post bail, despite the best efforts of the police and social workers to guilt her into it. Acting as a surety is tricky business. You are promising the […]
by Sue Kranz In March of 2003, I discovered a parent group that saved my sanity. The group was based on Choice Theory by William Glasser, and what I learned there changed not only how I parented, but positively impacted all my other relationships. I joined the group with the hope of learning how to change my kids. Instead, I learned how to change myself – and that changed everything! The first thing I learned was that the only behaviour I could control was my own. This flew in the face of the common-sense mantra, “You have to get them […]
We all know – or think we know – what boundaries are: Boundaries are rules we make for others, or that others make for us. So I made rules for my kids and called those “boundaries”. But I had no way to enforce these “boundaries”, and their success was determined by my teens’ willingness to cooperate with me. And the folly of thinking these would work became more apparent as I more closely observed whose behaviour I could actually control: mine. In the early ’60s, in his book Parent Effectiveness Training, Thomas Gordon introduced parents to I-messages: “I feel (blank) […]
Reposted from healthresearchfunding.org William Glasser introduced the Choice Theory of Behavior Management in 1996. It is based on one core idea: that the most important need that people have is love and belonging. In order for anyone to be able to satisfy any of their needs, they must have a certain closeness or a feeling of connectedness with the family, friends, and acquaintances they care about. This causes the Choice Theory of Behavior Management to put forth 3 statements. The only thing that humans do is behave. Almost all of the behaviors that we have are chosen behaviors. Because of […]
(Notes from the Youth Group on Connecting/Disconnecting) We talk about connecting and disconnecting behaviour in terms of relationships – with ourselves or with others. Fair enough. But what if you don’t like the other person? What if you don’t want anything to do with them? Then what? In the workshops, we’ve been working with the idea that, when we get frustrated, we try to satisfy our need for power by trying to control everybody around us. When we’re unsuccessful (and we usually are), that leads to more frustration, which leads to escalating our attempts to control others, which leads to […]
By Sue Kranz I’ve never yet met a parent who welcomed frustration. In fact, most of us would rather do whatever it takes to prevent our kids from experiencing frustration. And so we minimize how they feel: “It’s not that bad!” We threaten: “I’ll give you something to cry about!” We distract: “Let’s go for ice cream!” What we haven’t been taught is the importance of frustration in our children’s development: Frustration helps our kids develop resilience and adaptability. In his book Hold Onto Your Kids, Gordon Neufeld explains the value of frustration and provides a better, more useful way […]
In 2003, as a single mom of six, my household was spiralling sickeningly out of control. My 16-year-old daughter was heavily involved in drugs and had left home. My 15-year-old son was in a CAS group home, and the younger ones were taking notes and robbing me blind. Every other parent I knew was doing fine. They all had well-behaved kids who did their chores, were responsible and respectful, followed the house rules, attended school, did their homework, and didn’t smoke, drink or do drugs. What was wrong with me? What was I doing wrong? I concluded that I was […]
In our support groups, ASPGO leaders use Choice Theory to help parents develop small plans to improve their relationships with their children by changing their own behaviour. The plan should rely solely on the parent. If it depends for success on anyone else, including a teacher, spouse or your child it has little to no chance of success. The plan should be as small as possible. The plan should demonstrate a change in the behaviour of the parent. The plan should have a positive impact on the wellbeing of the parent. The plan should not be punitive. So often when […]