By Sue Kranz
When a teen goes to jail, it’s possible to feel grief and guilt and relief all at the same time. I’ve been through this, and this is how it was for me.
A friend is going through this now, and given her son’s age and the violence of the crime (he’s 16), she refused to pick him up at the police station when he was arrested and refused to post bail, despite the best efforts of the police and social workers to guilt her into it.
Acting as a surety is tricky business. You are promising the court that you will be responsible for ensuring that a young person, who may be hell bent on creating mayhem, stays within the bounds of the law.
My friend felt conflicted about not posting bail, even though she knew it would be folly to do so. She loves her boy, but there’s no way she can have him in the house, knowing she would be putting the rest of her family at risk.
Part of her angst over all of this is her commitment to, and understanding of, attachment. Her son is adopted, and has already dealt with repeated abandonment. Was she abandoning him again?
Until now, despite repeated harmful, illegal, and dangerous acts, the police had opted to do nothing but release him back into the care of his parents. So what had her son learned? He’d learned that he could act with impunity, that there would be no consequences, no matter what he did.
But this was different, and if she refused to bring him home, he would stay in jail – a reasonable consequence for violent behaviour that was rapidly escalating.
The balancing act is staying connected without rescuing or enabling, and allowing the logical consequences of his crime to play out.
Here are some of the dos and don’ts if you find yourself in this situation.
- Don’t nag or lecture. The system is taking care of the consequences in this case, and you can settle in in a supporting role. There is nothing you’ll say at this point that will help either of you. If you need to vent your anger, call a friend, but don’t take it out on your teen. He’s got his hands full right now.
- Do stay in contact. Attachment isn’t predicated on proximity. If you’ve experienced the love and support of a friend or family member even from a different country, you know you don’t have to be with someone to be attached.
- Do listen. You may find the best thing you can do for your teen right now is to let her talk. Don’t comment. Don’t say, “See what you’ve done?” or “How could you?” or “Didn’t I warn you this would happen?” Just listen and be empathetic.
- Do offer supportive responses like, “Is there anything I can bring you?” or “I can only imagine how hard this is for you right now.” They can go a long way to keeping you close.
- Do know that being empathetic is not the same as condoning what they did. Few of us can be defined by the one worst thing we’ve ever done.
- Don’t jump in to rescue because it’s more comfortable, only to deny your teen the benefit of experiencing consequences. As Brene Brown says, “Choose discomfort over resentment” – or, in this case, perhaps regret.
Interested in a parent support group based on Choice Theory? Explore apsgo.ca for more information on our vision, mission, and philosophy. If you’d like to attend a meeting, call 1-800-488-5666 or email mail@apsgo.ca.
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