APSGO Parenting Blog

By Helen Jones Editor’s Note: Many of these coaching strategies from Choice Theory and Helen Jones are just helpful in conversations with our children and other loved ones to help them find solutions and strategies for their own challenges. Knowing how to ask the questions is as important as knowing what to ask. While maintaining a safe environment, use the Process to: ASK OPEN ENDED QUESTIONS. Avoid questions which require only a yes or no response. ASK EACH QUESTION ONCE ONLY. Often coaches ask the same question in several different ways. This diminishes the question. These are powerful questions. Allow […]
By Sue Kranz I’ve never yet met a parent who welcomed frustration. In fact, most of us would rather do whatever it takes to prevent our kids from experiencing frustration. And so we minimize how they feel: “It’s not that bad!” We threaten: “I’ll give you something to cry about!” We distract: “Let’s go for ice cream!” What we haven’t been taught is the importance of frustration in our children’s development: Frustration helps our kids develop resilience and adaptability. In his book Hold Onto Your Kids, Gordon Neufeld explains the value of frustration and provides a better, more useful way […]
by Sue Kranz “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” This experiment tests whether or not that’s true, or whether our words − and perhaps even our thoughts and indifference − actually have an impact on our teens. I first read about the rice experiment in The Hidden Messages in Water by Masaru Emoto. It piqued my curiosity, so I tried it for myself − 3 times. And each time I got the same result. Here’s how I did it: When I made rice, I made a bit extra, and put equal amounts of […]
by Sue Kranz In the last article, I shared ways to get a clean kitchen, and mentioned there’s a difference between compliance and cooperation. What I’ve learned over the years is that, while parents say they want compliance, they’re seldom satisfied with it. It isn’t inherent in compliance that your child will want to do what they’ve been asked to do, just that they’ll do it, often accompanied by whining, complaining, sullenness, arguing, or anger. In those moments, what parents want is for their child or teen to comply willingly and cheerfully. But is that reasonable or even achievable, especially […]
In this episode, Kim Olver interviews Choice Theory parenting coach, Sue Kranz. Kim Olver: “Sue is a phenomenal parenting coach, having raised six children of her own as a single parent and is now weighing in on some stellar ideas for grandparenting, as well. In this interview, we discuss how to help children with frustration, to self-regulate and to help out around the house. Sue also has some great insight about teaching children about thinking and delineating between helping and rescuing. We also talk about the distinction between compliance and cooperation and how to set your child up to keep track […]
– By Helen Jones All behaviours are our best attempt at the time to get what we want. All behaviours are our best attempt at the time to close the gap between what we have and what we want. All behaviours are our best attempt at the time to match the pictures in our QUALITY WORLD with what we have in the real world. All behaviours are our best attempt at the time to satisfy our needs. We have more control over some behaviours than others. PHYSIOLOGICAL FEELING THINKING DOING Because we have the most control over our thinking and […]
– By Helen Jones Because our approach is new to most people, some parents will express doubts as to its effectiveness. Our focus on building better relationships, can lead some parents to believe that we concentrate on relationship building while ignoring acting out behaviour. Parents need reassurance that we have similar goals and even better results in mind using a different approach to dealing with acting out behaviour. There are two approaches to dealing with bad behaviour. The Failing Approach, which is used by most parents involves punishment, as a deterrent. Or, even more destructive, a ‘diagnosis’ such as ADHD […]
Dear Sue: My 15-year-old has been in trouble at school for vaping, smoking marijuana, skipping classes, etc. Often we take away her freedom when these things happen, which seems to have an impact at the time; however, the behaviours keep happening. From reading your articles, I have become a big believer in natural consequences, but sometimes I feel like I need to enforce a punishment. What do you feel is an appropriate way to handle these behaviours? Puzzled Dear Puzzled: If the school is having trouble with your daughter, then leave it up to the school to deal with. I […]
By Sue Kranz What is frustration? Frustration is the feeling we have when what we’re experiencing isn’t what we want. Frustration comes from believing we’re helpless, powerless, or have too little control in our lives. And it stems from trying to control what we can’t control – sometimes an event or circumstance, but usually another person. Over a lifetime, we learn and practice strategies that we hope will help us gain control over others: we criticize, blame, complain, nag, threaten, punish, and bribe. When we try to force others to do what we want, we actually entrench them in doing […]
By Sue Kranz In his book Choice Theory, William Glasser discuses 7 habits that bring people closer to us and 7 habits that push them away. While my focus here is on our relationship with our children and teens, as some of you have already noticed, these principles apply to all of our relationships. First, the 7 habits that brings others closer to us: supporting, encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting, and negotiating differences. And the 7 habits that push others away: criticizing, blaming, complaining, nagging, threatening, punishing, and bribing.In this article, I’ll discuss the 7 habits that push others away, […]
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