APSGO Parenting Blog

By Helen Jones Editor’s Note: Many of these coaching strategies from Choice Theory and Helen Jones are just helpful in conversations with our children and other loved ones to help them find solutions and strategies for their own challenges. Knowing how to ask the questions is as important as knowing what to ask. While maintaining a safe environment, use the Process to: ASK OPEN ENDED QUESTIONS. Avoid questions which require only a yes or no response. ASK EACH QUESTION ONCE ONLY. Often coaches ask the same question in several different ways. This diminishes the question. These are powerful questions. Allow […]
by Sue Kranz In the last article, I shared ways to get a clean kitchen, and mentioned there’s a difference between compliance and cooperation. What I’ve learned over the years is that, while parents say they want compliance, they’re seldom satisfied with it. It isn’t inherent in compliance that your child will want to do what they’ve been asked to do, just that they’ll do it, often accompanied by whining, complaining, sullenness, arguing, or anger. In those moments, what parents want is for their child or teen to comply willingly and cheerfully. But is that reasonable or even achievable, especially […]
In this episode, Kim Olver interviews Choice Theory parenting coach, Sue Kranz. Kim Olver: “Sue is a phenomenal parenting coach, having raised six children of her own as a single parent and is now weighing in on some stellar ideas for grandparenting, as well. In this interview, we discuss how to help children with frustration, to self-regulate and to help out around the house. Sue also has some great insight about teaching children about thinking and delineating between helping and rescuing. We also talk about the distinction between compliance and cooperation and how to set your child up to keep track […]
– By Helen Jones All behaviours are our best attempt at the time to get what we want. All behaviours are our best attempt at the time to close the gap between what we have and what we want. All behaviours are our best attempt at the time to match the pictures in our QUALITY WORLD with what we have in the real world. All behaviours are our best attempt at the time to satisfy our needs. We have more control over some behaviours than others. PHYSIOLOGICAL FEELING THINKING DOING Because we have the most control over our thinking and […]
– By Helen Jones Because our approach is new to most people, some parents will express doubts as to its effectiveness. Our focus on building better relationships, can lead some parents to believe that we concentrate on relationship building while ignoring acting out behaviour. Parents need reassurance that we have similar goals and even better results in mind using a different approach to dealing with acting out behaviour. There are two approaches to dealing with bad behaviour. The Failing Approach, which is used by most parents involves punishment, as a deterrent. Or, even more destructive, a ‘diagnosis’ such as ADHD […]
Dear Sue: My 15-year-old has been in trouble at school for vaping, smoking marijuana, skipping classes, etc. Often we take away her freedom when these things happen, which seems to have an impact at the time; however, the behaviours keep happening. From reading your articles, I have become a big believer in natural consequences, but sometimes I feel like I need to enforce a punishment. What do you feel is an appropriate way to handle these behaviours? Puzzled Dear Puzzled: If the school is having trouble with your daughter, then leave it up to the school to deal with. I […]
by Sue Kranz Like many parents I’ve worked with, when things were at their worst at home, I was anything but a helpful role model to my teens. For some reason, I thought what I said and did to them was more important than how I lived and what I was modelling. Then I attended a workshop where I was challenged to consider the kind of example I was setting for my teens and children, and when this was likely to inspire them or discourage them. Was I cheerful, calm, and confident? Did I enjoy my life? Did I create […]
by Helen Jones Remove focus from the issue (problem). Listen to the problem but make sure that your questions are about wants and needs. The problem can’t be controlled, continued fixating on it isn’t only senseless, it’s ruins your efforts to influence change and underlines your helplessness. Look at the things you can change. E.g. you can’t make your or anyone’s son obey a curfew but you can demonstrate how removing the curfew will increase influence. Since you can’t enforce any rule, you lose credibility by continuing to try and credibility trumps authority every time. Don’t use plans which are […]
By Sue Kranz In his book Choice Theory, William Glasser discuses 7 habits that bring people closer to us and 7 habits that push them away. While my focus here is on our relationship with our children and teens, as some of you have already noticed, these principles apply to all of our relationships. First, the 7 habits that brings others closer to us: supporting, encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting, and negotiating differences. And the 7 habits that push others away: criticizing, blaming, complaining, nagging, threatening, punishing, and bribing.In this article, I’ll discuss the 7 habits that push others away, […]
In 2003, as a single mom of six, my household was spiralling sickeningly out of control. My 16-year-old daughter was heavily involved in drugs and had left home. My 15-year-old son was in a CAS group home, and the younger ones were taking notes and robbing me blind. Every other parent I knew was doing fine. They all had well-behaved kids who did their chores, were responsible and respectful, followed the house rules, attended school, did their homework, and didn’t smoke, drink or do drugs. What was wrong with me? What was I doing wrong? I concluded that I was […]
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