APSGO Parenting Blog

– By Helen Jones Because our approach is new to most people, some parents will express doubts as to its effectiveness. Our focus on building better relationships, can lead some parents to believe that we concentrate on relationship building while ignoring acting out behaviour. Parents need reassurance that we have similar goals and even better results in mind using a different approach to dealing with acting out behaviour. There are two approaches to dealing with bad behaviour. The Failing Approach, which is used by most parents involves punishment, as a deterrent. Or, even more destructive, a ‘diagnosis’ such as ADHD […]
Dear Sue: My 15-year-old has been in trouble at school for vaping, smoking marijuana, skipping classes, etc. Often we take away her freedom when these things happen, which seems to have an impact at the time; however, the behaviours keep happening. From reading your articles, I have become a big believer in natural consequences, but sometimes I feel like I need to enforce a punishment. What do you feel is an appropriate way to handle these behaviours? Puzzled Dear Puzzled: If the school is having trouble with your daughter, then leave it up to the school to deal with. I […]
by Sue Kranz Like many parents I’ve worked with, when things were at their worst at home, I was anything but a helpful role model to my teens. For some reason, I thought what I said and did to them was more important than how I lived and what I was modelling. Then I attended a workshop where I was challenged to consider the kind of example I was setting for my teens and children, and when this was likely to inspire them or discourage them. Was I cheerful, calm, and confident? Did I enjoy my life? Did I create […]
by Helen Jones Remove focus from the issue (problem). Listen to the problem but make sure that your questions are about wants and needs. The problem can’t be controlled, continued fixating on it isn’t only senseless, it’s ruins your efforts to influence change and underlines your helplessness. Look at the things you can change. E.g. you can’t make your or anyone’s son obey a curfew but you can demonstrate how removing the curfew will increase influence. Since you can’t enforce any rule, you lose credibility by continuing to try and credibility trumps authority every time. Don’t use plans which are […]
By Sue Kranz In his book Choice Theory, William Glasser discuses 7 habits that bring people closer to us and 7 habits that push them away. While my focus here is on our relationship with our children and teens, as some of you have already noticed, these principles apply to all of our relationships. First, the 7 habits that brings others closer to us: supporting, encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting, and negotiating differences. And the 7 habits that push others away: criticizing, blaming, complaining, nagging, threatening, punishing, and bribing.In this article, I’ll discuss the 7 habits that push others away, […]
In 2003, as a single mom of six, my household was spiralling sickeningly out of control. My 16-year-old daughter was heavily involved in drugs and had left home. My 15-year-old son was in a CAS group home, and the younger ones were taking notes and robbing me blind. Every other parent I knew was doing fine. They all had well-behaved kids who did their chores, were responsible and respectful, followed the house rules, attended school, did their homework, and didn’t smoke, drink or do drugs. What was wrong with me? What was I doing wrong? I concluded that I was […]
Dear Helen, My seventeen-year-old son comes and goes as often as he likes. What bothers me most is his habit of coming home at very late hours. He has a curfew of 1am but usually ignores it. On the advice of friends and even a couple of family members I have taken his key and let him wait outside when he came home long after curfew. One time he could see that we were awake and kept banging on the door and ringing the doorbell. It was very upsetting, but we didn’t let him in until morning. What should I […]
APSGO hosted an online parenting workshop for members with APSGO Founder, Past President and spokesperson Helen Jones on Saturday March 13. This Workshop was presented in open Q&A format with parents encouraged to submit questions to Helen in advance and during the workshop. You can listen to the recorded workshop below.
I was listening to Kim Olver’s podcast interview with Sue Kranz recently where she speaks on parenting using Choice Theory. One of the issues she discusses in the podcast is whether parents need to be “on the same page”. This struck a chord with me because of the parenting journey my husband and I had been on through our sons’ teen years. What follows is the reflection on that journey and why I agree with Sue Kranz that parents do not need to be “on the same page”. When my son Ali became a teen, my husband Nat and I […]
By Sue Kranz “Why?” questions are uppermost in the minds of most parents of acting-out teens: “Why does he lie?” “Why does she hang around with those kids?” “Why does he do drugs?” “Why does she steal?” But we don’t have to know why a problem exists to solve it. We think we have to go back for answers and reasons for our current unhappiness or unwanted behaviour: back to our youth, back to our childhood, back to where “the problem” originated. With this approach, we don’t go back for two reasons: We can’t change the past, no matter how […]
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