Dear Sue:
My wife and I have a teenage son and daughter, and we can’t seem to agree on anything. No matter what I say, she constantly undermines me, and I’m not sure our marriage is going to last at this rate. If I say they have to be in at 10, she says 11. If I say I’m not giving them money, she goes ahead and gives them money anyway. If I say I’m not going to drive one of them somewhere, she’ll go behind my back and take them. How do I get her to stop undermining me?
Frustrated Dad
Dear Frustrated:
One of the greatest parenting myths is that parents have to be on the same page and provide a united front. This myth ignores the question: Who has the right page? It also ignores the unfairness of two adults always siding against a child.
But different parenting styles can be transformed into opportunities to demonstrate to your teens how to live peacefully and respectfully with someone you don’t always agree with.
Here are some examples of language that might help:
- “Homework is something that really matters to your mom, so you’ll have to discuss that with her.”
- “I’ve had a long day and I’m not going out again, but your mom might give you a lift.”
- “I’m not going to give you money, but you’re welcome to ask your mom.”
You can let your wife know how you plan to handle things from now on. She may even be relieved and willing to reciprocate.
Sue Kranz
Want to know more about Choice Theory? Email me at sue@sanerparenting.ca and I’ll send you PDFs of the booklet Who’s Driving YOUR Car? and the handout Six Things: How to create healthy boundaries. And as always, I welcome your questions.