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What is Choice Theory?

CHOICE THEORY® is a universal framework for personal empowerment and stronger relationships. It is founded on a simple but transformative idea:

We can only control ourselves – not others.

By embracing this mindset, we take ownership of our choices and step away from trying to direct others. The result? Empowered individuals, stronger relationships, and more satisfying lives.

Quickstart Guide to Choice Theory

Learning and applying the core principles of Choice Theory can enhance emotional health, improve communication, and create deeper connections in every area of life.

Key Concepts

  • Basic Needs
  • Relationship Habits
  • Internal vs. External Control Psychology

The Drivers Behind All Behaviour

In Choice Theory, all behaviour is seen as purposeful. Every action is your best attempt – given your current knowledge and situation – to meet one or more of your five basic needs. Satisfying these needs drives all of our behaviour.

Basic Needs

  1. Survival (Safety, Security)
    Health, safety, shelter, nourishment, and reproduction. Psychological safety is included.
  2. Love & Belonging (Connection)
    The need for connection with others – family, friends, partners, pets, teams, and communities.
  3. Power (significance)
    The drive to matter, achieve, be competent, earn respect, and build self-worth.
  4. Freedom
    The desire for autonomy, independence, choice, and creative expression.
  5. Fun
    The need for enjoyment, play, humour, relaxation, and meaningful learning.

Everything you do is your best attempt to get what you want to meet your needs.

You are constantly measuring the gap between what you want and what you have. When there’s a good match, you feel content. When there’s a mismatch, you feel frustrated – which motivates you to take action to bridge the gap.

Choice Theory uses the image of a mental scale:

  • Balanced scale = your needs are being met.
  • Unbalanced scale = you’re prompted to change behaviour to restore balance.

Relationship Habits: Connecting vs. Controlling

Healthy relationships are built through connection – not control.

Choice Theory promotes personal responsibility and self-control. At its core are the Seven Connecting Habits – behaviours that nurture healthy, respectful, and mutually supportive relationships.

The 7 Connecting Habits:

  • Supporting
  • Encouraging
  • Listening
  • Accepting
  • Trusting
  • Respecting
  • Negotiating differences

These habits strengthen bonds and promote emotional safety.

On the other hand, there are behaviours that damage relationships. They create power struggles, damage trust and respect, and disrupt healthy communication. In Choice Theory these are know as –

The 7 Disconnecting Habits (to avoid):

  • Criticizing
  • Blaming
  • Complaining
  • Nagging
  • Threatening
  • Punishing
  • Bribing or Rewarding to Control

When we stop using these external control behaviours, we create space for healthier, more fulfilling connections.

As people focus on self-responsibility and mutual support, negative behaviours decrease, relationships strengthen, and overall well-being improves.

Internal vs. External Control Psychology

A core belief of Choice Theory is that all behaviour is purposeful – your best attempt in any given moment to meet your needs. Practicing Choice Theory means learning to evaluate whether your current behaviours are actually helping you create the life you want, without infringing on the ability of others to do the same.

This means making a powerful shift in perspective:

From: External Control Psychology
Believing that others, circumstances, or luck determine your outcomes.

To: Internal Control Psychology
Recognizing that you are responsible for your choices and their outcomes.

Practicing Internal Control means:

  • Letting go of the need to control others
  • Replacing disconnecting habits with connecting ones
  • Choosing behaviours that move you closer to the life you want – without preventing others from doing the same.

The Bottom Line

Choice Theory is not just a method – it’s a mindset.

When you understand your needs, choose responsibility, and foster connection over control, you create the foundation for stronger relationships, improved mental health, and a more fulfilling life.

To learn more about Choice Theory, please visit The Glasser Institute for Choice Theory.